When I took a stand on the depression and decided to allow God to heal me, to carry me through the healing process, the enemy changed his game plan as well. That is when the confusion started. I began to question things that I had never questioned in my entire life. (I am not going into specifics. I do not want to allow that confusion to be passed along.) My entire foundation of truth was being attacked. My core beliefs were being tested. I had to find the answers, but was failing to find them on my own.
On top of that, there have been some personal family issues that we are dealing with. Tough issues. I have tried every door, sought advice from many people, and kept hitting a big brick wall! I've been beyond desperate.
The last few weeks in church, we have been focusing on prayer. Not the 'bless him and her' style prayer, but real, heartfelt, crying out prayer. David has been our example in this. David, oh man! We could have been friends. I realized in reading Psalms that David cried out to God, I mean for real! he wasn't afraid to call out. He was real and raw in his prayers. He spoke from the heart. You can almost hear him, see his tears, experience his anguish. IT GOT REAL!
My question: Why don't I pray like that?
I fight depression. I get discouraged. I struggle too. I know that there is an answer. Why do I wait until I am miserable, and making everyone around me miserable too, to seek God? Where is the sanity in that? When I do pray, why do I tiptoe around the issues? Do I think that God can't handle my anger? Like He doesn't know that I am upset about a situation. So often, I think I can hide behind this 'righteous' exterior. While that might work for people, that will not ever work for my Heavenly Father.
1 Samuel 16:7 says it best,
"People look at the outward appearance,
but the Lord looks at the heart."
I know that this verse is about Samuel anointing King David, and I want to be careful with keeping in context. I believe that is very much able to applied here. People see me, my smile, my 'put togetherness.' I can hide the real issues from them. God says He looks beyond that! He gets real. He looks deep in my inner heart.I don't know about you, but that makes me squirm just a bit. I get a little uncomfortable, especially when I am trying so hard to keep that anger and confusion a secret.
Today, for the first time, I cried out. I was angry. I was tired of confusion and depression being in my home! I kicked it out! I prayed for God to release HIS peace, HIS joy, HIS strength, and HIS wisdom and understanding in my home. I asked for Him to re-establish my foundation again.
I found an amazing Psalm that was a balm to my spirit today:
Psalm 62:5-8 (AMP)
"For God alone my soul waits in silence and quietly submits to Him,
for my hope is from Him.
He is my rock and my salvation;
my fortress and my defense, I will not be shaken or discouraged.
On God my salvation and glory rests;
He is my rock of [unyielding] strength, my refuge is in God.
Trust [confidently] in Him at all times, oh people;
Pour out your heart before Him.
God is a refuge for us."
So I sat. I allowed my soul to wait for Him. I asked for Him to renew my hope, the joy of my salvation. I confessed, out loud, that He alone is my refuge and that I will not be moved or discouraged anymore! I reminded myself to trust Him. I thanked Him that He is unwavering, unyielding and always dependable. I poured out my heart to Him, holding nothing back. I told Him (respectfully and reverently) that I was angry. That I was confused and tired of waiting and fighting. I sought Him. By the end of my time with Him, I felt restored. I had a renewed sense of peace. He is still fighting for me, even when I cannot see it!
Where are you today? Have you poured your heart out to God lately? There is such a relief in doing so. The burden is lifted and placed at His feet. He takes over. You no longer need to worry about it.
Exodus 14:14 (Amp) says,
"The Lord will fight for you while you [only need to] keep silent and remain calm."
Let Him fight for you!
In reading this version, I feel like I am supposed to zero in on the 'keep silent' part. So often, I will lay my troubles and problems at His feet, then, I talk about them, to anyone who will listen. If you are like me, you know that talking about them takes away your ability to 'remain calm.' Give it to Him for real, and leave there! Don't talk about it, let Him work while you wait for Him, trust in Him, and know that He will NEVER let you down!