Sunday, September 15, 2013

Baby Fever

Sister is now 1-year-old!  I am not sure if it is because I have always been pregnant at this point with my other 2 or if I am legitimately wanting another one. Either way, the reality is, I have a very bad case of baby fever! 

I feel that may be some background is necessary here. About six months after T and I got married, we found out that we were expecting! We were thrilled! All I had ever wanted was to be a wife and mom. Finally, I was going to be doing just that. However, at 20 weeks, we lost our precious daughter to downs syndrome. The loss was devastating to say the very least. I felt like such a failure. The next few years were the toughest of my life. My marriage and my faith were tested to the ultimate extreme (whole other blog post). 

We spent the next 5 years childless. Finally deciding to pursue adoption. The Saturday before we were to have our home study, we found out that we were finally expecting again! I was a nervous wreck and by far the most annoying pregnant woman ever! I was so afraid of losing this child too! Thankfully, the Lord blessed us with Mr. Popper. A mere 28 months later, Brother Bear joined us. 20 months after him, Sister appeared. 

When we found out that we were expecting Sister, T and I began discussing our family and our future. He was adamant that he was through having babies. He just felt that our family was complete. Me, I was tired, on my 3rd pregnancy in 4 years, I just knew that I longed to able to sleep at night and get up and down out of the floor. Pair that with an increased risk of downs when I turned 30 (1 in 50). I backed his decision and agreed. We decided that we would at finished at 3.  T went and had his surgery when I was 6 months pregnant with Sister. 
When it happened, I was thankful. I was truly overwhelmed and at my max. Looking back now, I regret it! BAD!!! 

T does not. He still feels that our family is complete. I know that he is the head. This is one of those submit things that leaves me feeling at a loss.

I pray that God will change my heart or his. I ask forgiveness: I feel like we took God's work into our hands. 

I can only sit and stare not knowing what else to say. The longing is very real, but so is the desire to honor my husband and his wishes. 
I believe that we serve a very big God that knows the intimate places in our hearts. This is one of mine. I pray that this transparency isn't misconstrued. I hope that you understand that T is not a bad person. He very much is a family man. He is one of the best dads I have ever seen. He also has wisdom to know his limits. It is my job and calling as his wife to honor that. I have made that decision, I just pray that the peace will soon follow it. 

Love their Husbands

Titus 2:4 
"that they admonish the young women 
to love their husbands..."

The first focus that we come to seems simple enough, 'love their husbands.' However, I know that there is a reason that it was included.

I went digging into the original Greek. I found out that the word love here is the Greek word philandros which literally means 'to be fond of.'  It is written in a present tense, active voice and thus means that we are to be actively fond of our husbands on all occasions.  source

Next step, define fond. Ooh, I love the way Merriam-Webster puts it: 'prize highly, having an affection or liking, foolishly tender.'  I picture a young newly-wed girl who is still googly eyed over her man! 

That is how I am supposed to look at my husband constantly! WAIT!!! What about when he forgets to take out the trash, or he just hurt my feelings!?!? These are instances where I have a very hard time liking my husband much less being 'foolishly tender' towards him.  Yet, that is precisely what God has called us to do! 

Remember back when the two of you first met. How incredible it felt when you were around him! How your heart skipped a beat when the phone rang and it was him! **SIGH** That is the feeling that we are to hold on to. Doesn't sound so simple anymore! 

I sit here and ponder the early years of my marriage. I remember how thrilled I was to have a husband and to be taking care of him! I would not have complained if he missed the hamper. I would have joyfully picked-up after him. I longed for the moment that he got home from work so that I could talk to him. I soaked up every moment with him.  Fast-forward 10 years, what is it like now?

Do I still joyfully do his laundry?
Do I still long for him to come home to actually spend time with him or to get a break from the kids?
Am I so lost in the digital world of Facebook, Pinterest, and the season premieres that I ignore the time that we have together after the children are asleep?
Do I still get butterflies when I kiss him?

If you are like me, the answers to these questions may be a bit embarrassing. In fact, I am not sure of the last time I truly felt 'foolishly tender' towards my man! God has blessed me with a remarkable husband. I am very guilty of allowing myself to get so wrapped up in life that I have let the little things disappear. 
I know that it isn't necessarily going to always be easy. I understand that I will not always 'feel' like being fond of him. BUT from now on it is a choice that I will strive to make.

I pray that you will join me in this. Let's rekindle that fondness that we had in the beginning!

Father, please help us as we strive to be fond of our husbands. Help us to love them the way that you called us to. In Jesus Name, Amen 

Join me next week as week learn about loving our children!