Sister is now 1-year-old! I am not sure if it is because I have always been pregnant at this point with my other 2 or if I am legitimately wanting another one. Either way, the reality is, I have a very bad case of baby fever!
I feel that may be some background is necessary here. About six months after T and I got married, we found out that we were expecting! We were thrilled! All I had ever wanted was to be a wife and mom. Finally, I was going to be doing just that. However, at 20 weeks, we lost our precious daughter to downs syndrome. The loss was devastating to say the very least. I felt like such a failure. The next few years were the toughest of my life. My marriage and my faith were tested to the ultimate extreme (whole other blog post).
We spent the next 5 years childless. Finally deciding to pursue adoption. The Saturday before we were to have our home study, we found out that we were finally expecting again! I was a nervous wreck and by far the most annoying pregnant woman ever! I was so afraid of losing this child too! Thankfully, the Lord blessed us with Mr. Popper. A mere 28 months later, Brother Bear joined us. 20 months after him, Sister appeared.
When we found out that we were expecting Sister, T and I began discussing our family and our future. He was adamant that he was through having babies. He just felt that our family was complete. Me, I was tired, on my 3rd pregnancy in 4 years, I just knew that I longed to able to sleep at night and get up and down out of the floor. Pair that with an increased risk of downs when I turned 30 (1 in 50). I backed his decision and agreed. We decided that we would at finished at 3. T went and had his surgery when I was 6 months pregnant with Sister.
When it happened, I was thankful. I was truly overwhelmed and at my max. Looking back now, I regret it! BAD!!!
T does not. He still feels that our family is complete. I know that he is the head. This is one of those submit things that leaves me feeling at a loss.
I pray that God will change my heart or his. I ask forgiveness: I feel like we took God's work into our hands.
I can only sit and stare not knowing what else to say. The longing is very real, but so is the desire to honor my husband and his wishes.
I believe that we serve a very big God that knows the intimate places in our hearts. This is one of mine. I pray that this transparency isn't misconstrued. I hope that you understand that T is not a bad person. He very much is a family man. He is one of the best dads I have ever seen. He also has wisdom to know his limits. It is my job and calling as his wife to honor that. I have made that decision, I just pray that the peace will soon follow it.