God is using my One Word to challenge and stretch me in ways that I never dreamed.
When I started this journey of trusting God I knew that there would be some tough situations where I was going to need to lean on Him to keep going. These circumstances have already started. God just has another lesson that He needs me to learn first: Stop trusting in people! Stop putting them in front of ME!
I have had several late nights spent crying out to Jesus about this. I need to find balance here. I know that this is an area where I struggle. I am going to be frank, I am terrified of where this lesson could call me.
Let me try and explain my rambling to you:
Last week I woke-up in tears. I was terrified something was going to happen to Thomas. Now, I know that God does not give us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). I do believe that He allows us to be moved to pray. I began to pray for my husband's safety, asking God to protect him. I asked for Jesus to give me that peace that passes understanding (Phil 4:6-7). I spent some time in prayer waiting for that peace to come. When I finally felt it, I fell asleep.
Two days later, I learned that a man, from the community that I grew up in, had passed in his sleep. I come from a very small, everyone-knows-everyone, type of community. My heart ached for his wife who had found him. I prayed for her and the extended family as were dealing with their grief. I then began to again pray for protection for Thomas. My mind could not grasp the thought of losing him. I knew that the only way through this fear was prayer.
The next night, at lady's Bible study, we heard a story of a missionary that lost her husband at a very young age. OKAY, people, I was beyond moved to tears at this point. That night's prayers were more of a panic, begging God not to take my husband!
That was the night that I believe that I heard from God so clearly. I had a peace wash over me and instantly I knew these truths:
My main focus needs to be on God, not my husband. By changing that order I am making my husband an idol and that is wrong. I was more worried about losing my husband than losing my Father. That is WRONG!
The Bible says that I am to seek God first! I love the way the Amplified Bible reads Matthew 6:33:
"But first most importantly seek (aim at, strive after) His kingdom and His righteousness [His way of doing and being right—the attitude and character of God], and all these things will be given to you also."
“So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
I realized that not only was I not seeking God first in my life, but I was worrying about the future. I repented for my priorities being out of order. I know that time with God should be more important than anything else, than anyone else!
I know that Thomas and I can do so much more for the Kingdom together than either of us could do apart. However, if something were to happen to him, as bad as it would hurt (and believe me the thought still brings me to tears), my hope and trust need to be in God. I would still have a purpose. God could and would still use me to further the Kingdom.
Also, my trust needs to be 100% in God not Thomas. As much as my husband loves me, he will fail me and let me down. He can't help it, he is human. God will never fail me! He is perfect!
I believe that God gave me Thomas as a best friend and husband. I do believe that we are better together than alone. I also know that it is wrong for me to put Thomas in a position over God. Therefore, I place my trust in God knowing that I will cherish every moment that I have with Thomas.